OKAMI!! (literally translated: Kill me now)

So, I had been researching innovative new Wii Wii games and purchased OKAMI!! (a few months ago at a Mexican Flea Market.... See I take my wife nice places!). For me most of the game was spent trying to determine if the games weirdness was unique to OKAMI!!, or could be attributed to the Japanese. The game allows you, the unfortunate player, to use the "celestial brush" to cause all sorts of magical mayhem. As you progress through the game you earn new brush strokes, which allow you new fun ways to become frustrated as you are unable to draw basic circles in a way that the game will recognize. The came reaches an early crescendo when the player must draw 9 circles in a row, to music, and without error. I spent about 3 hours on this portion of the game. My favorite part was that the circle to make leaves magically appearmt a 50% chance of getting the leaves during each of the 9 steps, which means you have a .5^9 power chance of passing this stage each time you try.

Today, I sold this game to Game Spot for $5.20 and let me tell you, the joke is on them.

Perhaps you may have a different opinion... Like this individual had who made these "amazing" OKAMI!! themed sculptures out of pipe cleaners:














Or this person who has permanently tattooed their calf with the OKAMI!! wolf.


Anyway, my recommendation is to pass on OKAMI!! and save yourself years of counseling.

The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor

Rating: PG-13 (Painfully Graceless like a 13 yr old)

This movie is similar to the previous two movies because there was a mummy and Brendan Frasier. Unfortunately it lacked the charm, humor and one of the main actors from its predecessors. When a movie starts out missing one of its stars you know you are in for a treat, especially when they haplessly replace the same character with a completely different woman. Also, Alex is no longer British, but has an accent as if from Boston, and he's a real jerk. The movie is laced with uncomfortable family quarrel that is unexplained and unresolved.

Recommendations: Watch if you only get three stations on your tv and you're sick of seeing how crap is made, learning that the Grand Canyon is the biggest and best thing ever, or watching Andy, Gomer and Barney share one brain between them.

Highlights: Some cool special effects (Yetis and creatures). We didn't pay to see it in a theatre.

Disappointments: We did pay $1 dollar to see it. Writing and acting was really poor and not nearly as entertaining. No charm!

Carls Jr. Guacamole Burger $6 Burger

This may not be a traditional entertainment review but the quality of this burger merits its inclusion in this site. You could say my taste buds were thoroughly entertained

This was the best burger I have ever eaten. Seriously.

The good: It will change your outlook on life.

Recommendations: Make sure you go to a "good" Carls Jr.. There is a significant difference between a good and a bad Carls Jr., if you do this.... Do it all the way.

The bad: You can't drive and eat this burger. Pretty much a $6 burger. Also, as the chart shows, if you ate these 3 times a day you would die.

Journey To The Center of the Earth

Rating: PG

This is a movie where you don't have to muddle through scientific explanation, but can prance on the thin sheet of ignorance. Its probably more fun when you don't have a grasp of science, geology, physics, biology, and basic movie acting and directing. Visually the movie was great, but was ultimately dimmed by the rush to push what could be a good plot into 1 1/2 hours of unexplained, ungrounded movie crap.

Recommendations: Watch it if its playing in a window near a bus stop for which you are waiting for a bus or if you have kids with short attention spans.

Highlights: The movie will not exactly give you a headache by weighing you down with the burden of scientific accuracy.

Dissapointments: Jules Verne wasn't alive to beat the director with the reality stick!

Birdmann of Alcatraz

Rating: PG

The movie gives the audience the sort of general malaise that one expects from older films. However, just like "The Rock" this movie delivers BIG action. Well.... You do see a prison stabbing.... Some birds die.... And a petition is sent around...

This is a great movie to watch while doing something constructive.. Such as watching a different movie, or tv show.

Summary: Robert Stroud is in jail for killing someone for some reason I forgot. He gets in a fight with his cell mate immediately over a picture of Robbies mom. He then gets in a fight with the ringmaster of the prison rodeo. Then some stuff happens. Pretty soon he begins raising birds for some reason. His birds start getting sick so he pours chemicals down their little throats until they get better. (This part of the movie is very emotionally draining) Before you know it, he has written a book on bird remedies. His birds are taken away from him in a rather dull turn of events and he is moved to ALCATRAZ. Some stuff happens, he gives a lot of weird advice about the penal system. One thing leads to another and then the movie ends. Somewhere along the line he gets married.

Highlights: Prison stabbing. Robert Stroud fighting over his Mom. Robert Stroud gets married in prison.... (To a woman)

Disappointments: No midgets, explosions or violence against birds. During most of the film I was thinking "Okay here we go, any minute now Stroud is going to pull a Featherstone and squish all the peeps out of these birds." But it never happens. I also expected to see Clint Eastwood digging his way through the walls.. But again, I was disappointed.If you liked "The Rock", you should probably watch it while you watch this movie.

Iron Man

Rating: PG-13

An appropriate way to describe the character Iron Man is to compare him to another superhero... Spider-Man. In many ways they are similar. Neither is married, both are brilliant, and they are both "Super Heroes". And thats where the comparison ends. Ultimately Tony Stark could beat the crap out of Peter Parker, his Aunt May, and Uncle Ben and not feel bad about it.

Recommendations: If you like emotional, or sappy superhero movies, this one may not be for you.

Highlights: In a world full of terrorists hiding in caves, you actually get to see some get killed. Also the dialog in the movie was clever and humorous. The action was exciting and intense.

Disappointments: Really I am most disappointed that I am not Iron Man.

This was one of the better Super hero movies with a mans hero and not some wimpy, emotional, and whiny kid.

Battle Field Earth: A Saga of the Year 3000 - Putting the Scientologist in Science Fiction

Rating: PG-13 This movie is appropriately rated since it is (P)retty (G)ood if you have an IQ of(13).

Imagine a world where everything has a blueish tint, is seen from a 30 degree angle, and is dominated by a race of aliens with nappy hair and poor acting skills. What do you get? A desire to join the Scientologists! (or maybe just a dull headache and the feeling that you are being punished for something)

Recommendations: Watch the movie with the Riff trax... And then turn off the movie and do something constructive with your life... Like play video games..

Highlights: The hero walks into a dirty wet window that his primitive mind was unable to recognize as a solid (don't give me that crap about glass being a liquid either). A group of illiterate cave men learn how to fly jet planes, arm nuclear weapons, and ultimately destroy an alien race that destroyed mankind in its prime in about a week. (Obviously they are Americans!) The alien chicks show just how undesirable a big forehead in a girl can be.

Disappointments: No midgets. But, from the aliens perspective, the humans are midgetish. So.... That's something. I was extremely disappointed that Tom Cruise was not in this movie, his involvement would have made this movie legendary.

What the heck was John Travolta thinking when he chose and stuck with this movie?

10,000 B.C.

10,000 B.C. is 10,000 reasons to do something else besides watch this movie.

Rating: PG-13 for choppy action and not really much else.

A movie about a chosen one who is supposed to save his people from the "four legged demons". The movie follows the path of a man whose girlfriend is kidnapped, his venture to save her, and his daring rescue. In spite of his social inabilities and his lack of charisma, he gains a huge following of warriors who agree to fight with him to save his woman. The movie reaches its climax when the credits begin to roll.
You will have to force yourself to look over the plot holes if you want to enjoy the movie at all.

Highlights:
Some cool mammoths and a sabertooth tiger.
The confusion between characters is solved when one of the two main characters is killed

Disappointments:
Poor writing, easily forgettable.
Action scenes were weak.
The sabertooth was only on screen for a total of 45 seconds.
The only character name we can even remember is "old mother".

Recommendation: Watch it only if you are ready for a "made for tv movie". Do not expect to recognize any of the actors, or for that matter tell one from the other.

Flight of the Conchords is a HBO t.v. show that reminds me of Napoleon Dynamite.
Rating: Some episodes contain the F word. Some jokes got me in trouble with my wife. And sometimes the content crosses the line. So if you watch it, and are offended, it's your own fault because you have been warned.
Recommendation: Orville Redenbacher HIGHLY recommends this show.
Highlights:
The show is extremely quotable.
The show is clever and different.
The show features hilarious music you can download and listen too.
No commercials.
The first season is 12 episodes long, which mean about 6 hours of top quality comedy.
A second season is in the works.
During the "Lord of the Rings" music video the Conchords dress up like midgets/hobbits.
Disappointments:
No explosions.... That I can remember.
Here is a taste of the show:
Jemaine: Hey, Brett, I think I know where I went wrong.
Bret: Hmm?
Jemaine: I think I know where I went wrong last night.
Bret: Yeah?
Jemaine: Yeah, Sally wanted to leave when you turned the light on. I think she found it weird - the whole thing with you there with the - with the light ... on.
Bret: Yeah, I think it might also be because she and I used to go out.
Jemaine: Yeah. It's 'cause you and her used to go out, but also because of the thing with the light. She's thinking, "Oh this is a nice situation." But then, "Ugh, who-- who turned on the light?
Bret: Yeah. Yeah, maybe. But I think it's mainly because her and I used to go out... for like six months.
Jemaine: Yeah, well -- yeah, it's mainly because you used to go out, but also mainly because of the whole situation with the light.
Bret: Yeah, but the last thing you want to see when you're hooking up is your ex in the same room.
Jemaine: Yeah, and you also don't want to be startled by a light, do you?

The Golden Compass

The Golden Compass, a story that sacrificed all its value in an effort to meet the constraints of the big screen.
Rating: PG The movie makes some allusions to the Catholic church being evil. However, in the book these allusions are much clearer.
Recommendation: Read the book. Avoid the movie.
Highlights:
The book occasionally surprises you with violence. One scene in the movie stays partially true to the book in that one armored bear rips the lower jaw off of another. However, in the book, he follows it up with eating the other bears heart...
Surprising amounts of death for a kids movie.
The visual effect of a demon dying is well done.
Several explosions.
Disappointments:
No midgets.
The kid who plays Lyra is awful.
I am disappointed in every famous actor who participated in this movie.
The whole movie was a race to include as much of the book as possible, but completely missed the point in the process. Probably the worst adaptation I have ever seen.

Island of Dr. Moreau

The Island of Dr. Moreau, a touching movie about man's inner demons and love.

Rating: PG-13 Offensive to my understanding of science.

Some weird crap in this movie, so beware.

Highlights:

Val Kilmer without a shirt on.

A lot of characters you want to see die, do, in fact, die. (Now they should get started on the writers)

Mutants on drugs.

The Nobel prize is surprisingly easy to win apparently.

This may be the only movie where David Thewlis could be considered a "hero".

Recommendation:

Even with the Riff Tracks for this movie, it was still painful.

Don't eat anything before you watch this movie.

Plot Flaws:

Animals not intelligent enough to designate a toilet area outside of their own bedding are capable of conducting surgery.

The whole movie seems to be written by a 2nd grader.

Muppets from Space

Muppets from Space, a story of yet another muppet caper.

Rating: PG Nothing offensive to me.

Highlights:

Classic muppet cast.

Learn what sort of creature Gonzo really is.. It's not an Elephino.

A rubber glove joke.

The two old muppet dudes are in it and they make some good jokes.

Disappointments:

No midgets

No explosions

Recommendation: Pretty good movie if you go into it with no expectations.

The Legend of Zorro

In the immortal words of Napoleon Dynamite: "This is pretty much the worst movie ever made."
Rating: PG
Highlights:The plot is so thin that writing a review while watching it posses no problem at all.
Recommendation:RUN! If someone gives this movie to you as a gift, slap them.
Plot Flaws:
Zorro is a pansy brat.
Zorro's wife is a whiny brat.
Zorro's son is a spoiled brat.
Zorro's horse is a drunk brat.

Rocky Balboa

Rocky Balboa, a story of geriatric violence.

Rating: PG Nothing offensive to me.

Highlights:

Sylvester Stallone without a shirt on.

The hottie from Heroes (Unfortunately with a shirt on)

Paulie cries.

Rocky chews out his son.

Recommendation:

I actually liked this movie, and would recommend it to both fans and non-fans of Rocky films.

Plot Flaws:

The world heavy weight champ has the physique of a college math professor.

Rocky's relationship with that chick from the bar and her son.... Bizarre.

Rocky's son gets a high profile business job.... Seriously?