Battle Field Earth: A Saga of the Year 3000 - Putting the Scientologist in Science Fiction

Rating: PG-13 This movie is appropriately rated since it is (P)retty (G)ood if you have an IQ of(13).

Imagine a world where everything has a blueish tint, is seen from a 30 degree angle, and is dominated by a race of aliens with nappy hair and poor acting skills. What do you get? A desire to join the Scientologists! (or maybe just a dull headache and the feeling that you are being punished for something)

Recommendations: Watch the movie with the Riff trax... And then turn off the movie and do something constructive with your life... Like play video games..

Highlights: The hero walks into a dirty wet window that his primitive mind was unable to recognize as a solid (don't give me that crap about glass being a liquid either). A group of illiterate cave men learn how to fly jet planes, arm nuclear weapons, and ultimately destroy an alien race that destroyed mankind in its prime in about a week. (Obviously they are Americans!) The alien chicks show just how undesirable a big forehead in a girl can be.

Disappointments: No midgets. But, from the aliens perspective, the humans are midgetish. So.... That's something. I was extremely disappointed that Tom Cruise was not in this movie, his involvement would have made this movie legendary.

What the heck was John Travolta thinking when he chose and stuck with this movie?

10,000 B.C.

10,000 B.C. is 10,000 reasons to do something else besides watch this movie.

Rating: PG-13 for choppy action and not really much else.

A movie about a chosen one who is supposed to save his people from the "four legged demons". The movie follows the path of a man whose girlfriend is kidnapped, his venture to save her, and his daring rescue. In spite of his social inabilities and his lack of charisma, he gains a huge following of warriors who agree to fight with him to save his woman. The movie reaches its climax when the credits begin to roll.
You will have to force yourself to look over the plot holes if you want to enjoy the movie at all.

Highlights:
Some cool mammoths and a sabertooth tiger.
The confusion between characters is solved when one of the two main characters is killed

Disappointments:
Poor writing, easily forgettable.
Action scenes were weak.
The sabertooth was only on screen for a total of 45 seconds.
The only character name we can even remember is "old mother".

Recommendation: Watch it only if you are ready for a "made for tv movie". Do not expect to recognize any of the actors, or for that matter tell one from the other.

Flight of the Conchords is a HBO t.v. show that reminds me of Napoleon Dynamite.
Rating: Some episodes contain the F word. Some jokes got me in trouble with my wife. And sometimes the content crosses the line. So if you watch it, and are offended, it's your own fault because you have been warned.
Recommendation: Orville Redenbacher HIGHLY recommends this show.
Highlights:
The show is extremely quotable.
The show is clever and different.
The show features hilarious music you can download and listen too.
No commercials.
The first season is 12 episodes long, which mean about 6 hours of top quality comedy.
A second season is in the works.
During the "Lord of the Rings" music video the Conchords dress up like midgets/hobbits.
Disappointments:
No explosions.... That I can remember.
Here is a taste of the show:
Jemaine: Hey, Brett, I think I know where I went wrong.
Bret: Hmm?
Jemaine: I think I know where I went wrong last night.
Bret: Yeah?
Jemaine: Yeah, Sally wanted to leave when you turned the light on. I think she found it weird - the whole thing with you there with the - with the light ... on.
Bret: Yeah, I think it might also be because she and I used to go out.
Jemaine: Yeah. It's 'cause you and her used to go out, but also because of the thing with the light. She's thinking, "Oh this is a nice situation." But then, "Ugh, who-- who turned on the light?
Bret: Yeah. Yeah, maybe. But I think it's mainly because her and I used to go out... for like six months.
Jemaine: Yeah, well -- yeah, it's mainly because you used to go out, but also mainly because of the whole situation with the light.
Bret: Yeah, but the last thing you want to see when you're hooking up is your ex in the same room.
Jemaine: Yeah, and you also don't want to be startled by a light, do you?

The Golden Compass

The Golden Compass, a story that sacrificed all its value in an effort to meet the constraints of the big screen.
Rating: PG The movie makes some allusions to the Catholic church being evil. However, in the book these allusions are much clearer.
Recommendation: Read the book. Avoid the movie.
Highlights:
The book occasionally surprises you with violence. One scene in the movie stays partially true to the book in that one armored bear rips the lower jaw off of another. However, in the book, he follows it up with eating the other bears heart...
Surprising amounts of death for a kids movie.
The visual effect of a demon dying is well done.
Several explosions.
Disappointments:
No midgets.
The kid who plays Lyra is awful.
I am disappointed in every famous actor who participated in this movie.
The whole movie was a race to include as much of the book as possible, but completely missed the point in the process. Probably the worst adaptation I have ever seen.

Island of Dr. Moreau

The Island of Dr. Moreau, a touching movie about man's inner demons and love.

Rating: PG-13 Offensive to my understanding of science.

Some weird crap in this movie, so beware.

Highlights:

Val Kilmer without a shirt on.

A lot of characters you want to see die, do, in fact, die. (Now they should get started on the writers)

Mutants on drugs.

The Nobel prize is surprisingly easy to win apparently.

This may be the only movie where David Thewlis could be considered a "hero".

Recommendation:

Even with the Riff Tracks for this movie, it was still painful.

Don't eat anything before you watch this movie.

Plot Flaws:

Animals not intelligent enough to designate a toilet area outside of their own bedding are capable of conducting surgery.

The whole movie seems to be written by a 2nd grader.

Muppets from Space

Muppets from Space, a story of yet another muppet caper.

Rating: PG Nothing offensive to me.

Highlights:

Classic muppet cast.

Learn what sort of creature Gonzo really is.. It's not an Elephino.

A rubber glove joke.

The two old muppet dudes are in it and they make some good jokes.

Disappointments:

No midgets

No explosions

Recommendation: Pretty good movie if you go into it with no expectations.

The Legend of Zorro

In the immortal words of Napoleon Dynamite: "This is pretty much the worst movie ever made."
Rating: PG
Highlights:The plot is so thin that writing a review while watching it posses no problem at all.
Recommendation:RUN! If someone gives this movie to you as a gift, slap them.
Plot Flaws:
Zorro is a pansy brat.
Zorro's wife is a whiny brat.
Zorro's son is a spoiled brat.
Zorro's horse is a drunk brat.

Rocky Balboa

Rocky Balboa, a story of geriatric violence.

Rating: PG Nothing offensive to me.

Highlights:

Sylvester Stallone without a shirt on.

The hottie from Heroes (Unfortunately with a shirt on)

Paulie cries.

Rocky chews out his son.

Recommendation:

I actually liked this movie, and would recommend it to both fans and non-fans of Rocky films.

Plot Flaws:

The world heavy weight champ has the physique of a college math professor.

Rocky's relationship with that chick from the bar and her son.... Bizarre.

Rocky's son gets a high profile business job.... Seriously?